Original Post: November 24, 2013
According to a recent news report, a certain brand of turkey refused to respond to the chemical concoction used to fatten them up for proper consumption this year. This means people who eat these turkeys may not gain the customary ten pounds this holiday season. Think of the repercussions of this audacious event. If we don’t gain, then everything associated with these turkeys will actually lose!
The gym will not realize the substantial increase in people who pay them a retainer in case they ever decide to work off those few extra pounds. The doctors will lose revenue because high blood pressure and other obesity related illnesses will decrease! Drug companies won’t be able to sell beta blockers or appetite reducing agents, and their income stream will be reduced to mere pennies on our dollars!
Magazine readership will wane because there won’t be a need to read about how to “lose ten pounds of flab in 3 days!” Advertising sponsorship’s will lose because with fewer people browsing the magazine section, eye catching headlines will be scrutinized by ardent readers instead of sensational impulse buyers.
Then, because magazines are floundering, internet usage will reach all time highs, giving the government leverage to tax its usage. The people who can’t afford it will be unable to access what has become the primary source of vital information. As a result, the economy which thrives on its growing middle class will actually see a decrease in its educational standing. More people will move into the global marketplace ill-prepared to govern, to make sound decisions, or to function in a civilized society. Ultimately, all of the expected and accepted rules of protocol will be lost as we spiral downwards and further away from the civilized society we all have grown to know and trust.
I say we stop this madness by demanding that protocols be enforced to ensure that the chemical balance in our meats is never lacking again. We must unite and demand that just as there are standards of conduct for humanity, there must be standards that reverse the trending towards an uncultured society!
First, we must understand that a civil society must not be deterred from its existence by allowing an entire generation to be dependent on the electronic media for its intellectual property. The importance of traditions and values must be passed down generationally by the retelling and subsequent reinforcement of etiquette and manners. This will cause a surge in concern for the well being of our neighbors, and rekindle a sense of responsibility for a government that is governed in accordance with common sense and morality.
Then, the news that reaches newsstands will give equal coverage to things that pertain to a civilized society, which, in turn, will diminish the unnecessary laws which intrude into the simplest aspects of existence. Everyday living will be simpler because life will hold more value than the accumulation of things, resulting in a decrease in crime. The reduction in crime will diminish the fear of venturing outside. Neighbors will be more than the people we talk about. They will be people we talk to!
As we meet more people, our primary relational cores will be strengthened, and the internet will be just another recreational venue because we will get the most value and information from going outside to socialize person-to-person and voice-to-voice with others. As our outdoor activity increases, doctors and pharmaceuticals will once more be focused on preventative medicine rather than masking symptoms for diseases they can’t cure. Gyms will resume their place in schools and as training and recreational facilities.
Then, we will not need to worry about the leanness of our turkeys because everyone will realize that fresh and lean is better for everyone, including our foods! And when we gather around the table in our more civilized society, the rules of protocol will always lead to expected etiquette’s and acceptable manners that give us all so much to be thankful for!
Happy Turkey Day!